How to be unemployed, week four or is it five
Get little to no sleep. You’re unemployed and there is no reason for you to be up at nine in the fucking morning, but do it anyway, even though you laid in your 85 degree apartment until the sun rose thinking about how unemployed you are. Refuse a nap for the first few hours of the day.
Work on your resume portfolio website LinkedIn emails whatever it is that people in your profession do to get a job. Don’t finish it, for the fourth day in a row.
Watch bad TV. Shockingly bad TV. Bad TV that you won’t even mention on your tumblr account in the midst of your sad sack post about unemployment because it’s so bad.
Remove a couple of facebook friends because you’ve been meaning to for a long time, and even though you have stopped writing to-do lists, feel confident that you’ve checked something off of one.
Remember that you have a bottle of wine in the fridge of questionable origin. Pour yourself a modest glass around 3 in the afternoon. Start to put the bottle back in the fridge, then realize you seriously left less than an ounce in there and it’ll just disappoint you later. Drink a bigger glass of wine than you intended. Do everything you can to not remember how long said bottle of wine has been in the fridge.
Check Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr. At least once every five minutes. Run out of internet very, very early.
Realize your wine glass is somehow dirty, which probably means all of your wine glasses are dirty. Resist the urge to wash them, vowing to just remember next time that they’re totally dirty and should be washed before you put more wine in them.
Ignore how god-awfully old the wine is. Drink it anyway.
Give serious consideration to every job you’ve ever been remotely qualified for. Wonder if that internship from six years ago where you worked for that car part company and made websites in two hours still counts as web experience. Consider if you can file that under “systems designer” or something. Check Craigslist; talk yourself out of applications that would require highly embarrassing, buzzword-filled cover letters in lieu of actual qualifications.
Get unnecessarily angry about How I Met Your Mother using the word “hashtag” in actual scripted conversation. Wonder if Alyson Hannigan is actually pregnant as well as if you have spelled her name correctly; refuse to google these things.
Revel at how the wine’s getting better. Simultaneously be grateful that there isn’t any more of it.
