Maybe spend a month being a bike messenger and a bartender. Why not?
My goal for 2012 was to write something every day. (That sentence originally had the word “meaningful” in it but I took it out; that would have been an awful goal.) Keen-eyed observers will note that I haven’t posted a single thing in three weeks. I’ve been beating myself up over it pretty hard without making a single stride to correct it.
The truth of the matter is that 2012 has been a series of wonderful moments that break up what is a completely awful year so far. New friendships are developing in a way that knocks me off my feet, while cancelled contracts and financial concerns breathe down my neck and make me scream. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten as many hugs in a three week period as I have with the beginning of 2012 and I have needed every single one of them.
But the fact is that I’m thinking about words, all the time. I’m carefully and not-so-carefully writing emails; I’m clicking send before I have a chance to regret it. I’m sharing thoughts and feelings in a way that regularly makes me nervous. It’s exhilarating and exhausting and wonderful, but it’s very, very personal.
I’ve always been a person who’s willing to share, particularly if I think an experience I’ve had will help someone else. I’m self-aware and overly analytical, and despite all my awkwardness I’m pretty good at communicating how I feel about things if I swallow my nerves for a minute. Things are intense right now, though, and they’re beyond the point where I want to share them publicly. I don’t want to process to the point of being able to put things out into the world, I just want to write and hit send and trust that the person I’m giving all of this energy to knows that I’d write it better if I could and they should just read between the lines a little bit.
I’m attempting to just be grateful for the opportunity to learn. 2012 has been mostly awful so far, but I’ve got a lot of free time right now to just step back and pay attention. I’m trying to listen to what the world wants for me. There is some extreme good in this year if I just ignore all of the extreme bad, and someday it will be better. And I will say it over and over and over until it’s true.
